I participated in my first Buddhist retreat this past weekend. I can't say that I've changed in any way, but it was a powerful and moving experience. It has inspired me to challenge myself further by participating in a longer silent retreat at a Buddhist monastery.
The power of the silence was unexpected and calming. Had people been chattering, as people are wont to do, the peace and harmony of the retreat would have been shattered. There were some people who were talking during the afternoon break and it was jarring and unwelcome. I can go to a coffee shop and hear chatter; why must these people break the noble silence with their chatter?
Not talking and not making eye contact moved this from being a situation where I didn't know anyone or have any friends, which I didn't, to a completely personal and internal weekend where I could focus on my own needs, my own growth and my own dimensions. It was about me and my growth only.
We did eight 24-minute long meditations. Twice, two of these were back-to-back, with only a couple minutes in between to stretch and then we were back on the cushion for another 24-minute meditation. As a person who has struggled for 30 years to meditate regularly, to spend that much time in silent meditation was less of a challenge than I would have thought.
Buddhism gives many tips for how to corral our wandering thoughts. This weekend, our thoughts were likened to wild horses and entering into meditation, we had to call the horses into the corral and shut the gate. Our thoughts have also been compared to sand in a bottle of water that has been shaken. The sand fills the bottle and floats in the water. The process of meditation is just that ability to let the sand settle to the bottom. It's not gone, it's just allowed to settle for a time.
This is something I want to pursue. A retreat at a monastery has taken top place of my list of things to do this year. The ambiance, the solitude, the beauty, and the discipline of a retreat at a monastery would help keep me focused, on task, single minded, and eventually, able to corral my wild horses. It is what I seek more than anything.
Thank you, God.
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Freedom from Attachment - March 30, 2007
The premise of Buddhism is that we all suffer and that suffering is directly caused by attachment. Attachment to things, people, outcomes. In reviewing the times I have suffered, I can see how true it is. All things that have caused great suffering in my life were because I was attached. Primarily, my suffering is caused by attachment to particular outcomes.
The beauty of life is how we learn the things we need to know when are are at a place where the information will land on a willing spirit and can help us grow. I am at that place now. I am 50 years old and my life has not been easy. I now recognize that attachment has caused all of my suffering and am ready to learn to love without being attached to an outcome. I have recently met someone who I dearly care for. I noticed a clutching feeling deep within as I sat with him. It was as if my entire being wanted to wrap itself around him so that he would never get away.
Something woke up in me as it was happening. I recognized the beast of attachment looming up within me. I was becoming attached to the outcome of 'keeping' him. Making him mine. Never letting him get away. Being jealous and guarded of him and his time. I was feeling the urge to merge and wanting to become one with him so that I would be whole.
My style, probably as with many others, is to try to force someone to love me, stay with me, be mine, never leave, love me in the way that I want to be loved, make me happy, take away my fears and help keep the world at bay. It is not a healthy style. Love is love and can't be owned, conquered or dictated. It simply is. I am complete and whole right now; rough around the edges, yes, but seeking the Divine, yet still struggling somewhat with earthly things and feelings.
When I saw that spectre looming within me, I feared it. I knew that in allowing it to move in, I would no doubt suffer. I recognize this as a chance to live life anew and let it unfold in grace, without trying to guide it and force it. In allowing myself to be unattached to a desired outcome, I am free to love this man for the duration of the time that he is to be in my life. He is free to love me in return without feeling that he must provide something in order to keep me sane.
Life is beautiful in its simplicity. We don't have force or be overbearing but we so often do. Anything that doesn't come to us willingly and freely is not ours anyway; no amount of effort will keep it. I promise myself to be open to possibilities, allow life to show me what I need and to be willing to take the steps required for my growth. I know that people will be there to help me and God will be there to support me. When I feel fear, I will wrap my mind around the possibility that the fear is a gateway to greater good.
Thank you God.
The beauty of life is how we learn the things we need to know when are are at a place where the information will land on a willing spirit and can help us grow. I am at that place now. I am 50 years old and my life has not been easy. I now recognize that attachment has caused all of my suffering and am ready to learn to love without being attached to an outcome. I have recently met someone who I dearly care for. I noticed a clutching feeling deep within as I sat with him. It was as if my entire being wanted to wrap itself around him so that he would never get away.
Something woke up in me as it was happening. I recognized the beast of attachment looming up within me. I was becoming attached to the outcome of 'keeping' him. Making him mine. Never letting him get away. Being jealous and guarded of him and his time. I was feeling the urge to merge and wanting to become one with him so that I would be whole.
My style, probably as with many others, is to try to force someone to love me, stay with me, be mine, never leave, love me in the way that I want to be loved, make me happy, take away my fears and help keep the world at bay. It is not a healthy style. Love is love and can't be owned, conquered or dictated. It simply is. I am complete and whole right now; rough around the edges, yes, but seeking the Divine, yet still struggling somewhat with earthly things and feelings.
When I saw that spectre looming within me, I feared it. I knew that in allowing it to move in, I would no doubt suffer. I recognize this as a chance to live life anew and let it unfold in grace, without trying to guide it and force it. In allowing myself to be unattached to a desired outcome, I am free to love this man for the duration of the time that he is to be in my life. He is free to love me in return without feeling that he must provide something in order to keep me sane.
Life is beautiful in its simplicity. We don't have force or be overbearing but we so often do. Anything that doesn't come to us willingly and freely is not ours anyway; no amount of effort will keep it. I promise myself to be open to possibilities, allow life to show me what I need and to be willing to take the steps required for my growth. I know that people will be there to help me and God will be there to support me. When I feel fear, I will wrap my mind around the possibility that the fear is a gateway to greater good.
Thank you God.
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