The premise of Buddhism is that we all suffer and that suffering is directly caused by attachment. Attachment to things, people, outcomes. In reviewing the times I have suffered, I can see how true it is. All things that have caused great suffering in my life were because I was attached. Primarily, my suffering is caused by attachment to particular outcomes.
The beauty of life is how we learn the things we need to know when are are at a place where the information will land on a willing spirit and can help us grow. I am at that place now. I am 50 years old and my life has not been easy. I now recognize that attachment has caused all of my suffering and am ready to learn to love without being attached to an outcome. I have recently met someone who I dearly care for. I noticed a clutching feeling deep within as I sat with him. It was as if my entire being wanted to wrap itself around him so that he would never get away.
Something woke up in me as it was happening. I recognized the beast of attachment looming up within me. I was becoming attached to the outcome of 'keeping' him. Making him mine. Never letting him get away. Being jealous and guarded of him and his time. I was feeling the urge to merge and wanting to become one with him so that I would be whole.
My style, probably as with many others, is to try to force someone to love me, stay with me, be mine, never leave, love me in the way that I want to be loved, make me happy, take away my fears and help keep the world at bay. It is not a healthy style. Love is love and can't be owned, conquered or dictated. It simply is. I am complete and whole right now; rough around the edges, yes, but seeking the Divine, yet still struggling somewhat with earthly things and feelings.
When I saw that spectre looming within me, I feared it. I knew that in allowing it to move in, I would no doubt suffer. I recognize this as a chance to live life anew and let it unfold in grace, without trying to guide it and force it. In allowing myself to be unattached to a desired outcome, I am free to love this man for the duration of the time that he is to be in my life. He is free to love me in return without feeling that he must provide something in order to keep me sane.
Life is beautiful in its simplicity. We don't have force or be overbearing but we so often do. Anything that doesn't come to us willingly and freely is not ours anyway; no amount of effort will keep it. I promise myself to be open to possibilities, allow life to show me what I need and to be willing to take the steps required for my growth. I know that people will be there to help me and God will be there to support me. When I feel fear, I will wrap my mind around the possibility that the fear is a gateway to greater good.
Thank you God.
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