It often takes being hit with a cosmic 2x4 to wake up and see that I need to make a change. Considering that I feel that I am astute and wise, I often make choices that are self-defeating and degrading. I can analyze this and see why I am this way but why has it taken me until the age of 50 to realize, it's time to make some changes?
True, I have had realizations along the path of life and an enormous change came about back in the mid-90s when I knew that if I never stood up to my parents, that they would continue to pick on me and belittle me and make me feel badly for the rest of their lives. Speaking up to them about my needs was met with confusion and argument since people who are accustomed to behaving in certain ways are not likely to want to stop. It took several years of standing up for myself for things to change. It has been a long, sad and tough life for me with my family. I was the black sheep and the scapegoat. I got kicked around a lot.
It was an event just a month ago that made me wake up and realize, because of how my family always treated me, that I accepted such belittling treatment from other people, as well. Even though I could clearly see that I wasn't valued or treated with any respect, I've allowed these 'friendships' to continue for years.
Friends are people who like us, value us, care for us and treat us kindly. There are two people who I have allowed to remain a part of my life who do not treat me in the way that a friend would. Imagine having a friend who will cancel a lunch because someone else wants to have lunch with her? Or a friend who delights in telling every detail of the surprise party she is giving for a friend and yet, does not invite you? And furthermore, when your birthday comes around, she doesn't say Happy Birthday, nor does she give you a gift, even a token gift. This is a person who gives gifts to everyone....on their birthdays and at Christmas, yet I am conveniently overlooked, year after year.
In spite of inviting this gal over to my home for a wonderful al fresco meal, not once but twice, never did she tell me how much she enjoyed it, nor did she say thank you. What she DID do, however, was tell me when it would be convenient for me to have her over again. After eating my delicious meal that I'd spent all morning preparing, she slapped a catalog down on the table in front of me and demanded I order something from her party to help her sales. I set the catalog aside. I felt that in enjoying my hospitality, my food and my company should not be rewarded by having to buy something from her catalog.
Because I believe that gifts are not given with the intent to receive something in return, I continued to give a birthday and Christmas gift to this person each year. This is the first year I have overlooked her at both her birthday & Christmas. Why? Is it because I'm mad that she never reciprocates? Not at all. It's because of a trip I took to California to help a 'friend' move. That trip is what finally OPENED MY EYES to my blithe acceptance of 'friends' who are unkind and insensitive to me; I finally realized that I am just someone who does not matter to certain people; I am not given true Friendship status; I am just one peg above being alone in their eyes. I'm a place keeper for when their real friends aren't available. If they need a warm body, they call me. Otherwise, they are too busy for me.
I value myself. The older I get, the more I value myself. As a kid, nothing was worse than being alone; being seen alone, eating alone, walking the halls at school alone. I would often take up with people who were so belittling to my spirit and yet I tolerated it just to keep from being alone.
It's sad that the treatment I got in my own home from my own family was so belittling to my spirit that nearly all of my life, I have allowed people to treat me exactly the same way. It saddens me, it angers me, but mostly, it enlightens me. I am now and always have been a good person. I am kind and generous, I am honest, ethical and trusting.
Many people elevate their own egos by treating people like me in shoddy ways. It says a lot about them. People can be judged by how they treat other people and to elevate one's self at the expense of others is a low-class method of feeling good.
It has served a purpose in my life. So, to these pseudo friends of the world, rise up if you can! But when you hit your head on the bottom rung, you will know it's time to elevate your soul by your own merit, not by breaking the spirits of others.
I have no regrets for who or what I am. I got where I am by enduring pain and surviving life. I get better and better each and every day, but part of my lessons require jetisoning chaff when it's no longer necessary to my growth. You, my pseudo-friends, are no longer necessary for my growth.
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