There are things I simply don't understand. It is my desire and my goal to take these things that I don't understand and turn them into a force for changing myself.
You see, I have a tendency to use anything I don't understand as a flog with which I beat myself up. For most of my life, I have felt that I didn't measure up in the world. I have customarily attracted people into my life who treated me as a substandard person, who belittled me and who acted as if I did not matter. A person with better self esteem than mine would realize that other people's opinions do not matter and all that matters is self opinion. I have never been like that. I have let the opinions of others trump my own. I am working to change that defeating behavior.
And, in my world of shaky self esteem, I have attracted some of the most insensitive people, the main one being the man I was married to for 20 years. I do have to thank him, though, because it was his treatment of me that finally made me rise up and say NO MORE. I finally decided, regardless of my worth, or lack thereof, as a person, I was not going to accept how he treated me any more.
I am so much better now at age 51 and I am glad to be better. I grieve for lost years where I could have had an easier time and more mental calm, but is that really what I'm here for? Mental peace? Well, it's a noble thing to strive for, but if this world is about what I think it is about, the more struggles I have, the more I am learning and the better I will eventually be.
I have struggled constantly, and it's always struggles with my inner demons. These inner demons are constantly attempting to take me down. I am stronger against them now, but occasionally something will occur that weakens me just enough that the inner demons get the upper hand, albeit briefly. In the past, perceived negative events would have taken me down for quite some time; these days, it's just briefly and then I can regain control.
What are these inner demons? They are my soul weaknesses; if I look at the events that cause me problems and my reactions to these events, I can see exactly where I need to focus my attention and do my soul work. So many people view events as negatives and deem their lives to be tragic....or at least, a complete failure, because of the bad things that have befallen them. It is not my intent to beat these people up with platitudes that "everything happens for a reason" because in the midst of bad things happening, it's often not helpful to hear such a platitude.
I have been aware for a good chunk of my life that everything happens for a reason. I kept attracting the same kind of people into my life because I was not learning. Now that I have learned that I deserve to be treated with respect and not denigration, I am attracting supportive people into my life. My issue now is that I am so conditioned by the past, I keep thinking these supportive people are actually wolves in sheep's clothing. It is taking me awhile to understand, there are truly good people in this world and some of them even have my best interests at heart.
And in the meantime, things still happen that I don't understand. Innocuous events, mostly. So, my goal today is to view innocuous events as just harmless things that mean nothing in the scheme of my life and let these things go. I am getting better and better and I have too much to offer to let stupid things get me down. I want my mind to be like an open window. Things that don't matter need to blow on through with the wind; things that do matter need to find a spot in my soul and take root. I am here to grow, to blossom and then to fly. Let it start today.
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