I hate to admit how long it took for my brain to say "hey, wait a minute!" when I saw the article online about the model who was upset that the media airbrushed her likeness from size 10 down to a size 2.
The article defined this attractive, size 10 model as a 'Plus-Sized Model'.
Plus Sized? A size 10? Are you kidding me?
Marilyn Monroe is considered to be one of the sexiest of leading ladies in our pop culture. Even now, people look at her and admire her beauty and sexiness. Marilyn Monroe was not plus-sized. She was proportioned as a woman should be. Women have curves.
Marilyn Monroe was a size 14.
If size 10 models are going to be the new poster art for plus-sized women, God help us. I'll just start subscribing to the Porcine Periodical and be done with pop cultural ideals! Size 10 is not plus sized. Not on any planet!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Interpersonal Confusion - April 15, 2007
How often do we talk and what we say is completely miscontrued? Is English such a tough language to understand? If something is hot, doesn't that mean the same thing to everyone? Hot - you'll be burned. Why is it so difficult to convey what we truly mean, then? What other way do we have to get our point across? With friends, family and loved ones, we have many chances to clear up misunderstandings. With others, we often only get one chance, either because it's a one-time meeting or because misconceptions prevent any further communication.
How often do we say something and what is mirrored back to us isn't even remotely what we said? How can a simple sentence be skewed to mean something entirely different? Somewhere between my lips and the listener's ears there are filters invisible to both of us that change the texture, the fabric, the very being of the message. What are these filters? The filters are made up of the deepest layers of our very being. How someone hears is a clue to who that person really is.
The sad thing is that often when trying to most impress someone with who we are, the message they receive can be one entirely opposite what we wanted them to think. Telling someone all the things going on in your life may be meant to convey an active, fulfilled life but what comes across is that you have no time for anything else.
Is it any wonder that people don't understand each other? Language is an imprecise way to communicate especially in light of how personal agendas put a spin on how we are heard.
How often do we say something and what is mirrored back to us isn't even remotely what we said? How can a simple sentence be skewed to mean something entirely different? Somewhere between my lips and the listener's ears there are filters invisible to both of us that change the texture, the fabric, the very being of the message. What are these filters? The filters are made up of the deepest layers of our very being. How someone hears is a clue to who that person really is.
The sad thing is that often when trying to most impress someone with who we are, the message they receive can be one entirely opposite what we wanted them to think. Telling someone all the things going on in your life may be meant to convey an active, fulfilled life but what comes across is that you have no time for anything else.
Is it any wonder that people don't understand each other? Language is an imprecise way to communicate especially in light of how personal agendas put a spin on how we are heard.
Soft News - January 23, 2007
Like most kids, I never watched the news. Walter Cronkite, and the Huntley-Brinkley Report were the newscasters my folks trusted to bring them the news each night. I couldn't even say if they leaned one way or the other; did the media have slants back in the 60s? Is being so polarized a recent development?
Like everyone, I've become accustomed to 'soft news'. Nothing of earth-shattering importance is ever relayed on the local news. It's all about wrecks and weather. I don't know if we are considered too mentally soft to care about the real news in the world, or if the local news stations don't have a clue what real news is. They talk about TV shows, movies, recipes and reviewing some "As Seen On TV" product as if this is anything people really care about. When did crap like that become news? It's not news, it's crap.
Imagine my surprise this week when the WDAF morning news actually mentioned the war in Iraq; not once, but TWICE! I was still mostly asleep. The TV was set to come on and wake me and hearing the morning news mention Iraq startled me so much, I very nearly sat bolt upright in bed. What's this? Real news on WDAF? Surely not, they wouldn't know real news if it reached up and bit them.
It was short-lived, just one 30-second spot of real news, then it was back to movies, Amerian Idol, a recipe or two and a few car crashes.
American culture is soft in the head. Most people are caught up in sports figures and movie stars, so the local news plays into that passion. I guess in a world as frightening as ours is, being caught up in a fantasyworld can help people escape, albeit temporarily. The sad thing, though, is that there's very little difference between the local news and Entertainment Tonight. It's all just window dressing and no substance. What does this say about our culture? Unfortunately, it says a lot
Like everyone, I've become accustomed to 'soft news'. Nothing of earth-shattering importance is ever relayed on the local news. It's all about wrecks and weather. I don't know if we are considered too mentally soft to care about the real news in the world, or if the local news stations don't have a clue what real news is. They talk about TV shows, movies, recipes and reviewing some "As Seen On TV" product as if this is anything people really care about. When did crap like that become news? It's not news, it's crap.
Imagine my surprise this week when the WDAF morning news actually mentioned the war in Iraq; not once, but TWICE! I was still mostly asleep. The TV was set to come on and wake me and hearing the morning news mention Iraq startled me so much, I very nearly sat bolt upright in bed. What's this? Real news on WDAF? Surely not, they wouldn't know real news if it reached up and bit them.
It was short-lived, just one 30-second spot of real news, then it was back to movies, Amerian Idol, a recipe or two and a few car crashes.
American culture is soft in the head. Most people are caught up in sports figures and movie stars, so the local news plays into that passion. I guess in a world as frightening as ours is, being caught up in a fantasyworld can help people escape, albeit temporarily. The sad thing, though, is that there's very little difference between the local news and Entertainment Tonight. It's all just window dressing and no substance. What does this say about our culture? Unfortunately, it says a lot
When Is It Real? - January 24, 2007
It often takes being hit with a cosmic 2x4 to wake up and see that I need to make a change. Considering that I feel that I am astute and wise, I often make choices that are self-defeating and degrading. I can analyze this and see why I am this way but why has it taken me until the age of 50 to realize, it's time to make some changes?
True, I have had realizations along the path of life and an enormous change came about back in the mid-90s when I knew that if I never stood up to my parents, that they would continue to pick on me and belittle me and make me feel badly for the rest of their lives. Speaking up to them about my needs was met with confusion and argument since people who are accustomed to behaving in certain ways are not likely to want to stop. It took several years of standing up for myself for things to change. It has been a long, sad and tough life for me with my family. I was the black sheep and the scapegoat. I got kicked around a lot.
It was an event just a month ago that made me wake up and realize, because of how my family always treated me, that I accepted such belittling treatment from other people, as well. Even though I could clearly see that I wasn't valued or treated with any respect, I've allowed these 'friendships' to continue for years.
Friends are people who like us, value us, care for us and treat us kindly. There are two people who I have allowed to remain a part of my life who do not treat me in the way that a friend would. Imagine having a friend who will cancel a lunch because someone else wants to have lunch with her? Or a friend who delights in telling every detail of the surprise party she is giving for a friend and yet, does not invite you? And furthermore, when your birthday comes around, she doesn't say Happy Birthday, nor does she give you a gift, even a token gift. This is a person who gives gifts to everyone....on their birthdays and at Christmas, yet I am conveniently overlooked, year after year.
In spite of inviting this gal over to my home for a wonderful al fresco meal, not once but twice, never did she tell me how much she enjoyed it, nor did she say thank you. What she DID do, however, was tell me when it would be convenient for me to have her over again. After eating my delicious meal that I'd spent all morning preparing, she slapped a catalog down on the table in front of me and demanded I order something from her party to help her sales. I set the catalog aside. I felt that in enjoying my hospitality, my food and my company should not be rewarded by having to buy something from her catalog.
Because I believe that gifts are not given with the intent to receive something in return, I continued to give a birthday and Christmas gift to this person each year. This is the first year I have overlooked her at both her birthday & Christmas. Why? Is it because I'm mad that she never reciprocates? Not at all. It's because of a trip I took to California to help a 'friend' move. That trip is what finally OPENED MY EYES to my blithe acceptance of 'friends' who are unkind and insensitive to me; I finally realized that I am just someone who does not matter to certain people; I am not given true Friendship status; I am just one peg above being alone in their eyes. I'm a place keeper for when their real friends aren't available. If they need a warm body, they call me. Otherwise, they are too busy for me.
I value myself. The older I get, the more I value myself. As a kid, nothing was worse than being alone; being seen alone, eating alone, walking the halls at school alone. I would often take up with people who were so belittling to my spirit and yet I tolerated it just to keep from being alone.
It's sad that the treatment I got in my own home from my own family was so belittling to my spirit that nearly all of my life, I have allowed people to treat me exactly the same way. It saddens me, it angers me, but mostly, it enlightens me. I am now and always have been a good person. I am kind and generous, I am honest, ethical and trusting.
Many people elevate their own egos by treating people like me in shoddy ways. It says a lot about them. People can be judged by how they treat other people and to elevate one's self at the expense of others is a low-class method of feeling good.
It has served a purpose in my life. So, to these pseudo friends of the world, rise up if you can! But when you hit your head on the bottom rung, you will know it's time to elevate your soul by your own merit, not by breaking the spirits of others.
I have no regrets for who or what I am. I got where I am by enduring pain and surviving life. I get better and better each and every day, but part of my lessons require jetisoning chaff when it's no longer necessary to my growth. You, my pseudo-friends, are no longer necessary for my growth.
True, I have had realizations along the path of life and an enormous change came about back in the mid-90s when I knew that if I never stood up to my parents, that they would continue to pick on me and belittle me and make me feel badly for the rest of their lives. Speaking up to them about my needs was met with confusion and argument since people who are accustomed to behaving in certain ways are not likely to want to stop. It took several years of standing up for myself for things to change. It has been a long, sad and tough life for me with my family. I was the black sheep and the scapegoat. I got kicked around a lot.
It was an event just a month ago that made me wake up and realize, because of how my family always treated me, that I accepted such belittling treatment from other people, as well. Even though I could clearly see that I wasn't valued or treated with any respect, I've allowed these 'friendships' to continue for years.
Friends are people who like us, value us, care for us and treat us kindly. There are two people who I have allowed to remain a part of my life who do not treat me in the way that a friend would. Imagine having a friend who will cancel a lunch because someone else wants to have lunch with her? Or a friend who delights in telling every detail of the surprise party she is giving for a friend and yet, does not invite you? And furthermore, when your birthday comes around, she doesn't say Happy Birthday, nor does she give you a gift, even a token gift. This is a person who gives gifts to everyone....on their birthdays and at Christmas, yet I am conveniently overlooked, year after year.
In spite of inviting this gal over to my home for a wonderful al fresco meal, not once but twice, never did she tell me how much she enjoyed it, nor did she say thank you. What she DID do, however, was tell me when it would be convenient for me to have her over again. After eating my delicious meal that I'd spent all morning preparing, she slapped a catalog down on the table in front of me and demanded I order something from her party to help her sales. I set the catalog aside. I felt that in enjoying my hospitality, my food and my company should not be rewarded by having to buy something from her catalog.
Because I believe that gifts are not given with the intent to receive something in return, I continued to give a birthday and Christmas gift to this person each year. This is the first year I have overlooked her at both her birthday & Christmas. Why? Is it because I'm mad that she never reciprocates? Not at all. It's because of a trip I took to California to help a 'friend' move. That trip is what finally OPENED MY EYES to my blithe acceptance of 'friends' who are unkind and insensitive to me; I finally realized that I am just someone who does not matter to certain people; I am not given true Friendship status; I am just one peg above being alone in their eyes. I'm a place keeper for when their real friends aren't available. If they need a warm body, they call me. Otherwise, they are too busy for me.
I value myself. The older I get, the more I value myself. As a kid, nothing was worse than being alone; being seen alone, eating alone, walking the halls at school alone. I would often take up with people who were so belittling to my spirit and yet I tolerated it just to keep from being alone.
It's sad that the treatment I got in my own home from my own family was so belittling to my spirit that nearly all of my life, I have allowed people to treat me exactly the same way. It saddens me, it angers me, but mostly, it enlightens me. I am now and always have been a good person. I am kind and generous, I am honest, ethical and trusting.
Many people elevate their own egos by treating people like me in shoddy ways. It says a lot about them. People can be judged by how they treat other people and to elevate one's self at the expense of others is a low-class method of feeling good.
It has served a purpose in my life. So, to these pseudo friends of the world, rise up if you can! But when you hit your head on the bottom rung, you will know it's time to elevate your soul by your own merit, not by breaking the spirits of others.
I have no regrets for who or what I am. I got where I am by enduring pain and surviving life. I get better and better each and every day, but part of my lessons require jetisoning chaff when it's no longer necessary to my growth. You, my pseudo-friends, are no longer necessary for my growth.
Time to Go - January 24, 2007
There are times I want to go and times I don't. This applies to many things; movies, shopping, road trips, camping and anywhere else that requires leaving my home. I'm just a homebody. Even though my days are often dull by other people's standards, I like my days, I'm satisfied with life and getting up in the morning is usually okay by me.
I wonder if death is like a shopping trip. Is death something that sometimes you are ready for and sometimes you aren't? Is there a time in life when you feel you've had enough of this plane and are ready to move to the next one? I don't mean being ready in the sense that I am sick of it here, or wanting to die just to get away from situations or people that I don't like. I mean ready in that I've accomplished everything I would hope to accomplish and I know deep within that my mission here has been accomplished.
I can't imagine being ready to go. Not at this point. I don't fear death; my beliefs are such that I don't feel the end is the end; the end, rather, is just a portal to another level. Even so, for the most part, I like it here. I like my coffee in the morning, and watching Frasier at night. I like soaking in the hot tub and camping at the lake. Walking my dogs makes them happy, sometimes it even makes ME happy.
I have heard people in their 80s say that they are ready to go anytime. At what point did they pass that mark that made them decide they were ready? As my body wears out and my memory betrays me, will the lure of gossimer wings beckon? Will the thought of being free of a physical body be more enticing than a fresh pot of coffee?
I think at some point, I probably will be ready. For now, I enjoy good health, good finances, good friends and the freedom to enjoy my days as I choose. Down the road a ways, things may change, but for now, I still have fears to walk through, lessons to learn and karma to work off. I think I'll stick around for now. Put on a pot of coffee.
I wonder if death is like a shopping trip. Is death something that sometimes you are ready for and sometimes you aren't? Is there a time in life when you feel you've had enough of this plane and are ready to move to the next one? I don't mean being ready in the sense that I am sick of it here, or wanting to die just to get away from situations or people that I don't like. I mean ready in that I've accomplished everything I would hope to accomplish and I know deep within that my mission here has been accomplished.
I can't imagine being ready to go. Not at this point. I don't fear death; my beliefs are such that I don't feel the end is the end; the end, rather, is just a portal to another level. Even so, for the most part, I like it here. I like my coffee in the morning, and watching Frasier at night. I like soaking in the hot tub and camping at the lake. Walking my dogs makes them happy, sometimes it even makes ME happy.
I have heard people in their 80s say that they are ready to go anytime. At what point did they pass that mark that made them decide they were ready? As my body wears out and my memory betrays me, will the lure of gossimer wings beckon? Will the thought of being free of a physical body be more enticing than a fresh pot of coffee?
I think at some point, I probably will be ready. For now, I enjoy good health, good finances, good friends and the freedom to enjoy my days as I choose. Down the road a ways, things may change, but for now, I still have fears to walk through, lessons to learn and karma to work off. I think I'll stick around for now. Put on a pot of coffee.
A Retreat in Mindfulness - January 29, 2007
I participated in my first Buddhist retreat this past weekend. I can't say that I've changed in any way, but it was a powerful and moving experience. It has inspired me to challenge myself further by participating in a longer silent retreat at a Buddhist monastery.
The power of the silence was unexpected and calming. Had people been chattering, as people are wont to do, the peace and harmony of the retreat would have been shattered. There were some people who were talking during the afternoon break and it was jarring and unwelcome. I can go to a coffee shop and hear chatter; why must these people break the noble silence with their chatter?
Not talking and not making eye contact moved this from being a situation where I didn't know anyone or have any friends, which I didn't, to a completely personal and internal weekend where I could focus on my own needs, my own growth and my own dimensions. It was about me and my growth only.
We did eight 24-minute long meditations. Twice, two of these were back-to-back, with only a couple minutes in between to stretch and then we were back on the cushion for another 24-minute meditation. As a person who has struggled for 30 years to meditate regularly, to spend that much time in silent meditation was less of a challenge than I would have thought.
Buddhism gives many tips for how to corral our wandering thoughts. This weekend, our thoughts were likened to wild horses and entering into meditation, we had to call the horses into the corral and shut the gate. Our thoughts have also been compared to sand in a bottle of water that has been shaken. The sand fills the bottle and floats in the water. The process of meditation is just that ability to let the sand settle to the bottom. It's not gone, it's just allowed to settle for a time.
This is something I want to pursue. A retreat at a monastery has taken top place of my list of things to do this year. The ambiance, the solitude, the beauty, and the discipline of a retreat at a monastery would help keep me focused, on task, single minded, and eventually, able to corral my wild horses. It is what I seek more than anything.
Thank you, God.
The power of the silence was unexpected and calming. Had people been chattering, as people are wont to do, the peace and harmony of the retreat would have been shattered. There were some people who were talking during the afternoon break and it was jarring and unwelcome. I can go to a coffee shop and hear chatter; why must these people break the noble silence with their chatter?
Not talking and not making eye contact moved this from being a situation where I didn't know anyone or have any friends, which I didn't, to a completely personal and internal weekend where I could focus on my own needs, my own growth and my own dimensions. It was about me and my growth only.
We did eight 24-minute long meditations. Twice, two of these were back-to-back, with only a couple minutes in between to stretch and then we were back on the cushion for another 24-minute meditation. As a person who has struggled for 30 years to meditate regularly, to spend that much time in silent meditation was less of a challenge than I would have thought.
Buddhism gives many tips for how to corral our wandering thoughts. This weekend, our thoughts were likened to wild horses and entering into meditation, we had to call the horses into the corral and shut the gate. Our thoughts have also been compared to sand in a bottle of water that has been shaken. The sand fills the bottle and floats in the water. The process of meditation is just that ability to let the sand settle to the bottom. It's not gone, it's just allowed to settle for a time.
This is something I want to pursue. A retreat at a monastery has taken top place of my list of things to do this year. The ambiance, the solitude, the beauty, and the discipline of a retreat at a monastery would help keep me focused, on task, single minded, and eventually, able to corral my wild horses. It is what I seek more than anything.
Thank you, God.
Freedom from Attachment - March 30, 2007
The premise of Buddhism is that we all suffer and that suffering is directly caused by attachment. Attachment to things, people, outcomes. In reviewing the times I have suffered, I can see how true it is. All things that have caused great suffering in my life were because I was attached. Primarily, my suffering is caused by attachment to particular outcomes.
The beauty of life is how we learn the things we need to know when are are at a place where the information will land on a willing spirit and can help us grow. I am at that place now. I am 50 years old and my life has not been easy. I now recognize that attachment has caused all of my suffering and am ready to learn to love without being attached to an outcome. I have recently met someone who I dearly care for. I noticed a clutching feeling deep within as I sat with him. It was as if my entire being wanted to wrap itself around him so that he would never get away.
Something woke up in me as it was happening. I recognized the beast of attachment looming up within me. I was becoming attached to the outcome of 'keeping' him. Making him mine. Never letting him get away. Being jealous and guarded of him and his time. I was feeling the urge to merge and wanting to become one with him so that I would be whole.
My style, probably as with many others, is to try to force someone to love me, stay with me, be mine, never leave, love me in the way that I want to be loved, make me happy, take away my fears and help keep the world at bay. It is not a healthy style. Love is love and can't be owned, conquered or dictated. It simply is. I am complete and whole right now; rough around the edges, yes, but seeking the Divine, yet still struggling somewhat with earthly things and feelings.
When I saw that spectre looming within me, I feared it. I knew that in allowing it to move in, I would no doubt suffer. I recognize this as a chance to live life anew and let it unfold in grace, without trying to guide it and force it. In allowing myself to be unattached to a desired outcome, I am free to love this man for the duration of the time that he is to be in my life. He is free to love me in return without feeling that he must provide something in order to keep me sane.
Life is beautiful in its simplicity. We don't have force or be overbearing but we so often do. Anything that doesn't come to us willingly and freely is not ours anyway; no amount of effort will keep it. I promise myself to be open to possibilities, allow life to show me what I need and to be willing to take the steps required for my growth. I know that people will be there to help me and God will be there to support me. When I feel fear, I will wrap my mind around the possibility that the fear is a gateway to greater good.
Thank you God.
The beauty of life is how we learn the things we need to know when are are at a place where the information will land on a willing spirit and can help us grow. I am at that place now. I am 50 years old and my life has not been easy. I now recognize that attachment has caused all of my suffering and am ready to learn to love without being attached to an outcome. I have recently met someone who I dearly care for. I noticed a clutching feeling deep within as I sat with him. It was as if my entire being wanted to wrap itself around him so that he would never get away.
Something woke up in me as it was happening. I recognized the beast of attachment looming up within me. I was becoming attached to the outcome of 'keeping' him. Making him mine. Never letting him get away. Being jealous and guarded of him and his time. I was feeling the urge to merge and wanting to become one with him so that I would be whole.
My style, probably as with many others, is to try to force someone to love me, stay with me, be mine, never leave, love me in the way that I want to be loved, make me happy, take away my fears and help keep the world at bay. It is not a healthy style. Love is love and can't be owned, conquered or dictated. It simply is. I am complete and whole right now; rough around the edges, yes, but seeking the Divine, yet still struggling somewhat with earthly things and feelings.
When I saw that spectre looming within me, I feared it. I knew that in allowing it to move in, I would no doubt suffer. I recognize this as a chance to live life anew and let it unfold in grace, without trying to guide it and force it. In allowing myself to be unattached to a desired outcome, I am free to love this man for the duration of the time that he is to be in my life. He is free to love me in return without feeling that he must provide something in order to keep me sane.
Life is beautiful in its simplicity. We don't have force or be overbearing but we so often do. Anything that doesn't come to us willingly and freely is not ours anyway; no amount of effort will keep it. I promise myself to be open to possibilities, allow life to show me what I need and to be willing to take the steps required for my growth. I know that people will be there to help me and God will be there to support me. When I feel fear, I will wrap my mind around the possibility that the fear is a gateway to greater good.
Thank you God.
Things I Don't Understand - from Sunday, March 02, 2008
There are things I simply don't understand. It is my desire and my goal to take these things that I don't understand and turn them into a force for changing myself.
You see, I have a tendency to use anything I don't understand as a flog with which I beat myself up. For most of my life, I have felt that I didn't measure up in the world. I have customarily attracted people into my life who treated me as a substandard person, who belittled me and who acted as if I did not matter. A person with better self esteem than mine would realize that other people's opinions do not matter and all that matters is self opinion. I have never been like that. I have let the opinions of others trump my own. I am working to change that defeating behavior.
And, in my world of shaky self esteem, I have attracted some of the most insensitive people, the main one being the man I was married to for 20 years. I do have to thank him, though, because it was his treatment of me that finally made me rise up and say NO MORE. I finally decided, regardless of my worth, or lack thereof, as a person, I was not going to accept how he treated me any more.
I am so much better now at age 51 and I am glad to be better. I grieve for lost years where I could have had an easier time and more mental calm, but is that really what I'm here for? Mental peace? Well, it's a noble thing to strive for, but if this world is about what I think it is about, the more struggles I have, the more I am learning and the better I will eventually be.
I have struggled constantly, and it's always struggles with my inner demons. These inner demons are constantly attempting to take me down. I am stronger against them now, but occasionally something will occur that weakens me just enough that the inner demons get the upper hand, albeit briefly. In the past, perceived negative events would have taken me down for quite some time; these days, it's just briefly and then I can regain control.
What are these inner demons? They are my soul weaknesses; if I look at the events that cause me problems and my reactions to these events, I can see exactly where I need to focus my attention and do my soul work. So many people view events as negatives and deem their lives to be tragic....or at least, a complete failure, because of the bad things that have befallen them. It is not my intent to beat these people up with platitudes that "everything happens for a reason" because in the midst of bad things happening, it's often not helpful to hear such a platitude.
I have been aware for a good chunk of my life that everything happens for a reason. I kept attracting the same kind of people into my life because I was not learning. Now that I have learned that I deserve to be treated with respect and not denigration, I am attracting supportive people into my life. My issue now is that I am so conditioned by the past, I keep thinking these supportive people are actually wolves in sheep's clothing. It is taking me awhile to understand, there are truly good people in this world and some of them even have my best interests at heart.
And in the meantime, things still happen that I don't understand. Innocuous events, mostly. So, my goal today is to view innocuous events as just harmless things that mean nothing in the scheme of my life and let these things go. I am getting better and better and I have too much to offer to let stupid things get me down. I want my mind to be like an open window. Things that don't matter need to blow on through with the wind; things that do matter need to find a spot in my soul and take root. I am here to grow, to blossom and then to fly. Let it start today.
You see, I have a tendency to use anything I don't understand as a flog with which I beat myself up. For most of my life, I have felt that I didn't measure up in the world. I have customarily attracted people into my life who treated me as a substandard person, who belittled me and who acted as if I did not matter. A person with better self esteem than mine would realize that other people's opinions do not matter and all that matters is self opinion. I have never been like that. I have let the opinions of others trump my own. I am working to change that defeating behavior.
And, in my world of shaky self esteem, I have attracted some of the most insensitive people, the main one being the man I was married to for 20 years. I do have to thank him, though, because it was his treatment of me that finally made me rise up and say NO MORE. I finally decided, regardless of my worth, or lack thereof, as a person, I was not going to accept how he treated me any more.
I am so much better now at age 51 and I am glad to be better. I grieve for lost years where I could have had an easier time and more mental calm, but is that really what I'm here for? Mental peace? Well, it's a noble thing to strive for, but if this world is about what I think it is about, the more struggles I have, the more I am learning and the better I will eventually be.
I have struggled constantly, and it's always struggles with my inner demons. These inner demons are constantly attempting to take me down. I am stronger against them now, but occasionally something will occur that weakens me just enough that the inner demons get the upper hand, albeit briefly. In the past, perceived negative events would have taken me down for quite some time; these days, it's just briefly and then I can regain control.
What are these inner demons? They are my soul weaknesses; if I look at the events that cause me problems and my reactions to these events, I can see exactly where I need to focus my attention and do my soul work. So many people view events as negatives and deem their lives to be tragic....or at least, a complete failure, because of the bad things that have befallen them. It is not my intent to beat these people up with platitudes that "everything happens for a reason" because in the midst of bad things happening, it's often not helpful to hear such a platitude.
I have been aware for a good chunk of my life that everything happens for a reason. I kept attracting the same kind of people into my life because I was not learning. Now that I have learned that I deserve to be treated with respect and not denigration, I am attracting supportive people into my life. My issue now is that I am so conditioned by the past, I keep thinking these supportive people are actually wolves in sheep's clothing. It is taking me awhile to understand, there are truly good people in this world and some of them even have my best interests at heart.
And in the meantime, things still happen that I don't understand. Innocuous events, mostly. So, my goal today is to view innocuous events as just harmless things that mean nothing in the scheme of my life and let these things go. I am getting better and better and I have too much to offer to let stupid things get me down. I want my mind to be like an open window. Things that don't matter need to blow on through with the wind; things that do matter need to find a spot in my soul and take root. I am here to grow, to blossom and then to fly. Let it start today.
Ruminations on "Under the Tuscan Sun"
When I think of Bramasole, I realize that movies and life are so dissimilar. If I sell everything I own, move to Italy, buy an old house with vineyards lining the property, I won't wind up with an extended Italian family who come to visit at the drop of a hat, spend holidays with me, and dance late into the night while sharing caraffes of wine over a long wooden table covered with a red-checkered tablecloth.
This isn't, after all, the movies. This is real life. When I go places, people don't follow me around looking to take up with me, either as friends or family. I don't wind up with my feet under their dinner table after just a glance and a kind word while riding the bus.
Why is it, then, that Hollywood would have me believe that if my husband cheats on me, that my friends will give me a free trip to Italy and once I get to Italy, I discover that Bramasole Estate is for sale...so I just waltz in, plunk down some cash and buy it?
Trustworthy & handsome men then show up and begin fixing all the things that are wrong with my house, I meet the man of my dreams; humorous and loveable Italians are soon gracing my table each evening where I serve perfect Italian cuisine.
It would never happen. This is the movies. I am of the opinion that movies are movies and nothing ever happens as it happens in the movies. But, am I just a cynical person who has had more than her share of life events that would lead a person into cynicism? Possibly.
It may also be possible that if I had a different personality, if I were more open, trusting, social and less of a homebody, that the events as depicted in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" could happen. I must learn to realize that the impossible IS possible. That friendly, sociable people can and do appear. That there are other people longing for kinship, friendship and laughter.
I must open myself to the possibility that miracles do happen, that the unimaginable can be reality, and that movies aren't always based on dreams.
And maybe, one of these days, I will move to Bramasole.
This isn't, after all, the movies. This is real life. When I go places, people don't follow me around looking to take up with me, either as friends or family. I don't wind up with my feet under their dinner table after just a glance and a kind word while riding the bus.
Why is it, then, that Hollywood would have me believe that if my husband cheats on me, that my friends will give me a free trip to Italy and once I get to Italy, I discover that Bramasole Estate is for sale...so I just waltz in, plunk down some cash and buy it?
Trustworthy & handsome men then show up and begin fixing all the things that are wrong with my house, I meet the man of my dreams; humorous and loveable Italians are soon gracing my table each evening where I serve perfect Italian cuisine.
It would never happen. This is the movies. I am of the opinion that movies are movies and nothing ever happens as it happens in the movies. But, am I just a cynical person who has had more than her share of life events that would lead a person into cynicism? Possibly.
It may also be possible that if I had a different personality, if I were more open, trusting, social and less of a homebody, that the events as depicted in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" could happen. I must learn to realize that the impossible IS possible. That friendly, sociable people can and do appear. That there are other people longing for kinship, friendship and laughter.
I must open myself to the possibility that miracles do happen, that the unimaginable can be reality, and that movies aren't always based on dreams.
And maybe, one of these days, I will move to Bramasole.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)